Killing My Own Spiders

My husband has left for his two week long training. Yes, I miss him already. Yes, it’s been weird to be on my own all day again. And I have realized that two weeks is going to be easier than the three months we were separated, but that it is still different than the three days he is gone for drill every month. It is somewhere in between I think. But do you know what might be the worst part about being on my own?

Killing my own spiders.

Yes. I despise spiders. I’m afraid of them.

I was laying on the floor reading the letters I got from my husband while he was at basic training and reminding myself of some Bible verses when I saw our playful male cat trying to play with my husband’s sneaker that was in the middle of the floor. I thought he was just playing with the shoelaces, but then he moved the shoe, and…out crawled a big black spider!

To me, this spider was huge. Especially because my face was inches from the floor! But it just stayed there. It was almost like it was staring at the cat and me.

I emitted a small squeak and groan and crushed it with a piece of paper I had.

See, when my husband is home, I squeal, and his instant reaction is to look at me and say, “where is it?” Because he knows. I don’t do bugs, but I especially don’t do spiders. They just look terrifying. He actually joked the other day about it, asking me, “do you think it’s going to just jump on you?” Yes, yes I do.

So he kills them while I stand back and tell him thank you.

But on my own, I have to kill the spiders I’d otherwise call him in for. I hope I don’t encounter anymore the next few weeks.

Here We Go Again

My husband posted a picture on Facebook yesterday of all his gear packed and ready to go and captioned it “Here we go again…” It’s fitting.

Today I say goodbye again. This time, though, it’s only two weeks. But, this time, there’s no form of communication while he is away—no phone calls, no Skype, and it’s too short of a time for letters. Aside from all of the other feelings that I have, which I pray for guidance from every day, I am sad. Sure, two weeks is nothing compared to three months, but without any communication, it could feel a lot longer.

I am also lonely. Let’s face it. I have nothing to gain from denying it. I’m lonely when he’s gone.

Yes, I’ll be busy. I am teaching in a four-week program for first generation college students all of June. That’s putting an entire semester’s worth of public speaking into only four weeks. So, yes, I’ll be busy.

But I also won’t have anyone to come home to besides the cats.

My husband and I were discussing this last night, and we realized that sometimes we forget how attached we are to each other. We have spent the better part of our relationship always together for no other reason than because we enjoy being with each other. We have been married for almost three years, and we have not really been apart in that time; his absence for basic training was really a first for us.

So I won’t lie. Yes, it is only two weeks, but I will still miss him a lot. Because I like to share my day with him, and I won’t be able to. Because I don’t like sleeping alone. Because I will miss his company.

We tend to also have a bad habit of fighting before he leaves, even if it’s only a few days before. And it is usually over little things. I think it’s because it’s easier to say goodbye when you’re upset because your emotions are in a different place. But I don’t want to be mad at him this time. So, I have a solution, which came from our pastor.

I am going to fill our apartment with uplifting scriptures. I will focus on those daily. I will pray for my husband daily. Because I know what he is doing isn’t easy.

Right now, I want to enjoy the few hours we have left together, even though they will be spent in a car to get him to base. Technically, he doesn’t leave until tomorrow, but they are required to be there this afternoon. Although that upsets me (there’s more to the story there, but we won’t go into that), I understand that neither he nor I can control it.

I will miss him terribly. I don’t think this goodbye will necessarily be any easier. But maybe the little things will make it so.

Marriage Isn’t Easy

My husband and I have begun this little game of questions I found on Pinterest (find it here), and one of the questions is “What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done?” You may be thinking my answer was simple: graduate school. But you would only be partly correct. Sure graduate school is difficult—it’s definitely harder than undergraduate, and the expectations are more difficult to understand—and add my GTA position on top of that…there are times I feel I will be lucky to get out of this all alive. So, yes, it is hard. But do you know what it harder?

Marriage.

Yes, the hardest thing I have done is marriage. But wait. Before you judge me, continue reading.

When my husband proposed, there was no other thought in my mind than “Yes!” I can honestly say there were no doubts on my end that I wanted to spend the rest of my life, no matter how young I may have been, with this man. That isn’t to say I wasn’t nervous. I mean, I was turning 20 in 3 days (yes, he proposed right before my birthday), and we were going to have to have the sit down with my mom on her visit. But I was never nervous or scared I was making the wrong decision.

Almost 3 years of marriage later, I would still not change that answer. But it hasn’t been easy.

It isn’t easy to suddenly realize your paycheck is no longer only yours and you can’t do as you please with it. It isn’t easy to work through arguments without walking out to go to your own place—because now you share a space. It isn’t easy to get over a decision you didn’t feel 100% a part of it. As a Christian female, it isn’t easy to tell others, regardless of that decision, “I respect my husband and I support him.” As an only child, it isn’t easy to adjust to being with another person; it isn’t easy to realize and understand you must now grow together. As a female, it isn’t easy to tolerate the dark looks and the criticism of choosing to identity as a wife, as a “Mrs.”

There are times, I will admit, when I have thought, “why did we do this?” Or “did we get married too soon?” And a few months ago, when I felt like my plan had caved in, the thoughts were a lot darker than that. (As my mother has always told me: if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plan.)

No, marriage is not easy. Each one of us comes to marriage with our own preconceptions about what it’s going to be. We have expectations before reality punches us in the face and forces us to wake up. There are people who think marriage solves everything. It doesn’t. You’re given a whole new set of complications, and each relationship will have different issues. And it isn’t always easy to work out those issues.

So, what makes it worth it then? If it’s so gosh darn hard, why would anyone do it? If I am still figuring out who I am, why would I have gotten married just months before my 21st birthday?

Because as hard as those moments are, I would not want to have them with any other person. Because I want to figure out who I am with the man I love beside me every step of the way. Because I am blessed to have found the one whom my soul loves so early in life. And I didn’t want to waste a single minute.

No, marriage is not easy. God did not design marriage to be easy. He designed marriage to be a partnership. Marriage is a promise to be partners in life.

Marriage isn’t easy. But what makes it easier is knowing I would not want to go through the hard times or the good times with anyone besides the man I married.