Big Decisions

Recently, a very big decision has been made in the young Pallat household (um…apartment-hold?). Well, about two months ago anyway. I haven’t been able to say anything publicly really due to some difficulties that I won’t go into. It’s out in the open now, though, the in-laws know, and everyone is happy (about being in the know anyway). And I have been debating if I should even post anything because it has been difficult. But, here it goes…

My husband has joined the National Guard.

This has been a long process, and it is a decision I am still learning to accept. Because it was a decision I was not entirely fond of or had a huge say in (I felt anyway).

The biggest reason, I think, is because I am afraid. I’m afraid of a lot of things. But in relation to the military, I am terrified of losing my husband. I love him (of course). He has changed my view on a lot of things, and he makes me want to always try to be a better woman and a better wife. Losing him would be…well, devastating. I am well aware that other women have lost their husbands, brothers, fathers, friends to military service, and my heart goes out to them for they have suffered a heartbreaking loss. I am aware of that, so please do not think me heartless.

I am afraid of losing control. There. I said it. I like to be in control. And I think that is the biggest problem I have had; I can’t control anyone but myself, and that includes my husband. I thought that, maybe, if I cried enough or yelled enough, he would cave. But I should have known I married a strong man. He is stronger than I will ever be.

These are self issues that I pray God will help me with, especially in recent weeks. I need reminding that I can’t control everything. God has definitely tried to show me that through numerous things, including my students (but that is a whole different story).

Another reason I was so upset by his choice was because I did not feel involved. I felt that he had made his decision before he asked how I felt about it. I felt that he did not even take my thoughts and feelings into consideration, and that really hurt.

But, as I’ve thought about it more, I wonder if those thoughts and feelings were more a product of wanting to control the situation and his choice than actual concerns. Sure, I am concerned about his safety. Of course I am. But I think I was more concerned I would lose control (of any sort).

Now, while I am still warming up to the idea, I am much better than I was. Yes, it gets lonely on his drill weekends. Yes, I am going to miss him terribly when he is gone to Basic Training for 2 months after Christmas. But I will be so busy with schoolwork and teaching classes that I am thinking my mind will be too busy to dwell on my loneliness.

On the bright side, his joining the National Guard is a part-time thing; he is reserve. He will also be an officer candidate, so I am proud of him in that regard. He will be home, which is important to me. He will be able to pursue his master’s just like he wants. No weird changes. No needing to move every few months (which would be an absolute disaster while I am still in graduate school). So, really, life is still relatively normal. And that works for me.

You can think of me what you want. But this is how I felt, and it is something I, and we, are working through. It is something that will take time to fully be okay with. It will take some time to stop crying every time I think of him leaving next month. It will take some time before I am completely myself again. It will take some time before I can fully, and honestly, forgive him for hurting me.

That is something I am asking God’s help in because I know I need it. I cannot forgive on my own; I cannot wipe the dark in my heart without seeking His guidance.

I am now a military spouse, and it is something I need to live with for the next 6 years.