Decisions, Decisions

As graduation continues to draw closer (now with just 6 weeks left of classes), My anxiety is mounting. I still have not heard back from my top two schools for graduate studies, and I am nervous as all get out. My husband has been good about it, though, reminding me to relax and only think of the project I have right now: the Senior Seminar paper due in 3 weeks.

But as I think about the top two schools, both in Colorado, I keep debating about which is my number one choice. And therein lies the problem.

My first choice is CSU, but they do not have his Physical Therapy program. They do, however, have Occupational Therapy and a few other Master’s programs he is interested in as back up. CU does have his program. But I have always wanted to go to Fort Collins, ever since I was a junior in high school. I am now facing the biggest issue I have ever faced: it isn’t about me anymore, it’s about us. I am always reminding myself of that.

I am so used to being told that I can do anything my “little heart desires” or that I can go anywhere for school. Now I can’t. I have to think about his future too, and for an only child, adding someone else in the mix is a very big deal.

Don’t get me wrong: I am so happy to be married to him, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love him, I respect him, I want to do what is right by him.

But I also want to do right by me. How can I do both? How can I make a decision we will both be happy with?

If I only get accepted to CSU, he has promised we will go. If I happen to get accepted to both programs, it’s a conversation we will have to have. And it’s a conversation I am dreading. Because I know there will be tears and frustration. But my worst fear is that he will resent me. And I couldn’t live with that.

But how can I not forget about his dreams while pursuing my own? It’s a struggle I think everyone faces in marriage, and I think it’s even more prominent with us because we are young. It’s something we will work through, though, and I firmly believe we will come out on the other side all the better for it. Learning about each other’s dreams and compromising so we can both accomplish our goals is important. We are always learning about each other, and this is just another learning opportunity. And compromise is just part of the deal in marriage, but I don’t think it’s always a bad thing.

Because making decisions as a couple is the most important thing.

I guess I shouldn’t worry about it just yet, though, since I haven’t heard back from either school. Spring break is in 2 weeks, and I am hoping to hear before then.

In the meantime, we will continue to work through the “if” and “when” of things like we always have: together. Because we are in this together, forever.